Let it go

I am so grateful to be a mom to two wonderful daughters, but I didn't realize until lately how difficult it can be. I'm sure parenting boys has it's own challenges which I'm blissfully unaware of, but parenting daughters is emotionally draining. Especially as these girls grow up and start to have all those crazy hormones running amok inside them. It seems like lately everything is a big issue that needs to be talked through, cried about or otherwise dealt with. Someday's it's very tiring and it challenges my patience. I know I've been exactly where they are and I remember how it can feel, but having all these years between then and now can skew my perspective.

As I've gotten older I've grown thicker and thicker skin, in that I don't care so much what others think. I mean, I care about others, but I don't stress out (too much) about what people will think of me if I do this or that. I still struggle with insecurity at times, but it use to cause me so much more anxiety. I know whose opinion matters and whose just really doesn't. I know what matters in life and who I am. I know it's something I've learned mainly through the hard knocks of life, and I wish I could just impart that wisdom directly into the tender hearts of my girls. I hate to see them going through the hard stuff in order to learn this.

Unfortunately, that's not the way it goes. And so lately it's come to my attention that both my beautiful girls are struggling with how they look. Kids can be so mean, both have had comments made to them 

at school about it. Now both of them are struggling with what they think of themselves and these particular comments. It seems to bother my eldest daughter more, I've caught her making comments about not liking her hair or that she's ugly. It's heartbreaking when all I see when I look at her is beauty.

And it doesn't matter how many times I tell her she's beautiful, if some kid at school called her ugly, it must be true. That's her logic and it kills me. I know she's not a minority, most girls at this awkward middle school age are struggling with how they look and how they are changing and they have no control over most of it. She's starting to care how her hair looks, what she's wearing, etc, and how she fits in. Some days it's hard for me to watch her go through this.

I just want them both to believe me when I tell them they are perfect just the way they are. And then I think about the times I've been critical of my own self, of my hair that has no body or super round face. And I wonder if my comment here or there about it has contributed to their views. I need to remind myself what I've been telling my girls lately, and that is this:

I am perfectly made. 

No, I'm not perfect, but I was made exactly this way. God intended me to have flat hair, to have a round face, to not be able to hold a note. And I like to ask the girls, "Does God make mistakes?". No, of course not, He's perfect. I love this verse:

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

If God created the whole earth and all it's intricacies like the water cycle and weather and seasons and didn't mess up that, don't you think He could handle us? Yep. He did. He made each and every one of us exactly the way He wanted us to be, and like it says in Genesis 1:31, "God saw all that he had made and it was very good." He didn't scrap us and start over, He wanted us exactly the way we are. That's encouraging and refreshing for me to remember, and I hope I can help instill that truth in my own girls' hearts.

Even knowing how God views us, it can be hard to take the mean comments from others or even ourselves. I tried to explain to the girls to just let those mean words go, and not to dwell on them. But I think that's a lesson that's learned the hard way as well. Someone posted this video on Facebook fairly recently and I think it speaks volumes to the whole idea of just letting those things go.

I told the girls about it, but they haven't actually watched it yet. I think I'm going to show them this afternoon, and hopefully it can help them see how important it is to just let it go.

Ten

Ten years ago today, this beautiful little girl came into our lives...

She was inquisitive and alert from the very beginning, and we fell in love with her at first sight.

I find it really hard to believe that this little bundle has grown

 into this weird girl....  

She's still as inquisitive and alert as ever, and beautiful too. And we love her even more today than we did on that day ten years ago when she was born. Lindsay has grown into a fun, unique, smart, loving and adventurous girl. I am so grateful that God put her in our family and made her just the way she is. I can't imagine our family without her.

Happy Birthday Lindsay Lou, I love you so much!

What I Did on Mother's Day

I'm going to let you in on a little secret, Mother's don't really ever get the day off, especially not on the day specified on the calendar to celebrate us. But, if you're a mom you knew that already, didn't you? Let's face it, Mother's are on the job 24/7. Yes, I said 24 hours a day, seven days a week, because even when we are sleeping we could be called on at any moment by our "charges, clients, customers, etc." I guess I may have had some time off, when Erik and I go on vacation just the two of us, but even then I'm not exactly "off". Even if my body is relaxing and I'm not doing anything kid-related, I'll still be worrying or thinking about my girls.

But you know what? I'm totally not complaining. I absolutely love my "job" and my two beautiful, smart daughters. I'm extremely grateful God gave them both to Erik and I. Not having to work outside the home makes it that much sweeter. Lindsay and Kera are completely worth all the blood, sweat and tears I've shed being their mother. Even if it means helping them with school projects.

School projects....I didn't even like them back when I was the student, but here I am, on my 2nd and 3rd round of dioramas, posters, reports, stories and other special assignments. This past Sunday, yes Mother's Day, was actually spent helping Lindsay finish her last book report (Amen!) of the school year, which she chose to make as a diorama. I knew in advance we'd be doing it, so we've been gathering "supplies" for a week or so. Toy tiger from the toy bin. Check. Two lego guys from a friend at church. Check. Empty shoe box from my stash. Check.

When it came down making it, it only actually took us an hour or so. Yay! And both Lindsay and I think it's her best one yet. (Because we all know she'll probably have more next year.)

Here's her project:

The two characters are suspended from a cliff on a raft and there is a tiger trying to get them from the cliff. I can't remember what book it was, but she liked it whatever it was.

If you look ever so closely you'll realize it's actually a leopard, that the girl is Princess Leia and the guy is wearing a space suit. We weren't going for perfection here, just resemblance. :)

A Mother's Duty

Had a talk with Lindsay this morning at the bus stop about how I need to stop telling her exactly what to do all the time--instead I need to let her figure some things out. She was right--I know the whole "love & logic" theory, and right now her decisions aren't going to be too big of a deal so I need to let her figure stuff out. She's starting to gain some independence and maturity and I need to allow her room to grow, I think. It made me kinda sad to think about my "baby" growing up. I know she's still only in third grade, but it's beginning--it's not like she's going to get less independent as time goes on. That's not the easiest thing for me to come to grips with! Anyway, it inspired a poem of sorts. It's still rather rough, but here it is...

A Mother’s Duty

For Lindsay



I can still remember insecurity

gripping my heart

that first day we brought you home.

“Now what?”

How do we “do this” with this sweet baby in our arms?

It didn’t take long to see you’d

changed everything.



You brought a new normal for us,

and a new role for me—

Mom.

It was new to me yet

I fell into it, as if it was something

I’d been born to do.

Not that being a mom was easy—

there were hard times for sure,

but it just felt right.



You helped define me--

I am wife and mother.

As you grew, my role grew with you,

I gained a little bit of freedom with each

step you took on your own

but you always came back to me,

grasped my hand.



Over the past eight years

I’ve worked, cleaned, and cooked,

But mostly, I’ve mothered.

So you’ll have to be patient with me

as we take this next step together.



I know my mothering can be too much for you at times,

smothering

as you grow the first sprouts of

real independence and maturity.

It’s hard for me to let you go,

even just a little,

so you can figure things out yourself.

I know my role is changing,

evolving from mother into friend,

but my heart still clings to you—my baby

and only wants to hold you closer,

protect you.



It’s against my nature to loosen my hold,

But I will try—I know I need to and

even more, that you need me to.

Because I am your Mom, I will

give you what you need,

cuz that’s what mom’s do

even if it’s painful

-Kendra Maurer

Hibernating

It's officially winter here in Montana. The calendar might not be technically on track with that, but the snow and ice are here, as are the cold temperatures. The girls are wearing snow boots to school everyday and the hats, mittens and scarves are out of storage and strewn all over the entryways. All the beds have their extra blankets on and I replaced my summer pj's with the flannels. Now, when planning meals I try to make sure I am using the oven or stove--I want to emit as much heat as possible. Same goes for the laundry. The fireplace is being turned on in the mornings and evenings, as well. It's all about being warm and cozy.

It's dark outside a lot, and even during the daylight hours. Our little valley gets inversion with the clouds so its not sunny, giving the daytime still a feeling of night. Makes me want to cuddle up on the couch, wearing my pj's and sipping coffee all day long. The roads being snowy and icy just gives me that much more motivation to stay put. My car has excellent snow tires, what I consider a must for living here, but it doesn't make me want to drive in the winter weather any more than I absolutely have to.

My regular outside running route is just as snowy and icy as the roads (hee hee, it is the roads, mostly) and so I'm stuck with the treadmill most days. I don't mind running in the cold at all, I hate running on the ice. I'm so paranoid that I'll fall. That would suck.  So, its me and the treadmill, baby. I can do the treadmill for a while, but then I get bored. It's just so......boring. So, what do I do? I fill my day up with other things and put the run off til last, and then the kids get home and its dinner time and bath time and bed time and guess what, it doesn't happen! I even try the trick of staying unshowered and wearing my workout wear throughout the day until I work out, as motivation to take a shower and wash my hair, but it doesn't work. I just end up going several days without washing my hair. (Eww, I know!)

I'm not much of a winter sports person, so my activities of choice right now are scrapbooking, baking, eating, watching movies and reading. Not a great combination...all that eating and no activity. Combined with not leaving the house much and not working out turns me into a grump-a-lump. It's like I'm hibernating, or at least trying, but I keep getting woken up. You ever heard the saying, don't wake a sleeping bear? What about not messing with a Momma bear? Well, try combining those two. Now you're messing with a sleeping momma bear. Bad call.

I love the look of the snow, I love the coldness of the weather. I love Christmas and the giving and joy and family time of the season. I just don't like the whole winter grumpies---I wish I could skip that part! Even now I sit here in my workout clothes trying to get up the motivation to not only workout, but get all the other things on my "to-do" list for the day done. I'm finding my well of motivation pretty dry these days though. (Does that make me a thirsty grumpy momma bear?)

So, that's where I'm at right now. Not pretty, but completely honest. Anyone else struggle with this? If so, have any tricks/tips to help me out? Thanks in advance!