My heart

I recently had a quasi job offer from my mom. She had a position that I would easily fill, since it's some of what I use to do for her anyway. I gave it some serious thought for a couple of days, talking to Erik, praying about it and talking to some friends. I called her yesterday and told her "No" and she said, "I knew you wouldn't take it."

Why is that? Because I already have just about the best "gig" you can get. I am a stay-at-home mom whose children are both in school all day and there is no financial need for me to work. Another added bonus is that my husband would rather me be home because of the flexibility it allows our family, so there is no pressure to work. So why did I even consider the job? Why did I even waste time thinking about it? The same reason I thought about going to massage therapy school or anything else that fills my time all day long. Because I felt like I had to. Some weird feeling that I'm obligated to "do something" with my life besides being a wife and a mom. Everyone has a dream job, right? Well I have been trying to figure out what that is for the past several years, because although I love being a mom, it's not going to last forever, my kiddos are already well on their way to growing up.

My friend, Emily, made a point the other day when I was talking to my group of stay at home mom friends about the whole job thing. I don't remember word for word, but it was something along the lines of, if it's your heart to do that job, if its going to make you happy, than do it.

Huh. Well, I know without a doubt that bookkeeping and data entry are not my dream job and they don't make me happy. So I had to think, what is it that would make m happy? What is my dream job? You know the first thing that popped into my head? It wasn't any of the things that I've been filling my time with for the past several years that I have been home. It was writing. My only dream job is to write--to publish a novel to be specific, but more just to write.

I want to write. Writing makes me happy.

I have known this for a long time--heck, my fall-back-on major when my world seemed to be crumbling around me back in college was English, because I like it. Also, because I like English, it was a fairly easy major to complete, but that's besides the point. If I already knew this, why haven't I done anything? Why haven't I been writing when I very obviously have the time and means to do so????

Several reasons....
-Lack of inspiration. It's hard to have creative ideas when the only thing in my head is all the things I gotta do today, kid stuff and all the other stuff. I'm focused on one adult and two little people now, instead of just myself. Which brings me to another reason...
-Selfishness. Let's face it, writing is a rather selfish activity, especially if no one ever reads what you write. I think in fear of being too selfish with my time, I didn't make writing a priority.
-Fear. A pretty obvious one, what if I'm not good? What if all the inspiration and creativity I felt in college is gone? What if I can't do it?
-Intimidation. Getting words down on paper is one thing, but the whole process of actually getting something published is pretty darn intimidating. Maybe this goes with fear, too.

After I realized all this over the weekend, I made some decisions. I am going to actively pursue my writing. I will block out several hours everyday to doing it. I am really rusty and have a lot to learn, but the only way to change that is to do it. To "practice". And we'll see where it goes from there with no pressure on where it should go. I've talked to Erik about this and he's supportive. I've talked to another friend and she'll help keep me accountable. I've looked at how I spend a typical day and figured out how to fit it all in along with the writing (without all the mindless time wasting activities that once filled the spaces.) And so I begin today! I'm not quite sure what to actually do with the time until inspiration hits, but I have some ideas; editing the nano's from the past several years, using writer's prompts to just write, and working on some new poetry hopefully.

I'm excited and a little intimidated, but if I take one day at a time it will be just fine. I can't wait to (hopefully) share some new writing with you!